Mum and Maddie,
This letter is for you to understand why I’ve had to do what I’ve done. It’s for you to show to the police and the court to explain myself. This is the only thing I could do for Olly to have any semblance of a childhood with his mum. I’m really sorry to leave you all but we have no other choice and I promise we will be ok! I will never let any harm come to Olly.
My solicitor has told me repeatedly that because of how Patrick is portraying me in court that the Judge believes we are causing Olly emotional harm. It’s impossible for me to show them and prove to them the extent and amount of emotional abuse I have endured and still am being subjected to.
I’ve been told that there is a strong possibility that Olly will be appointed a guardian by the court, something Patrick requested at the last hearing. I have also been told that this outcome goes hand in hand with Olly being placed into Foster Care! I cannot believe any parent who has even an ounce of love for their child would ever consider asking for this!
I can’t let his hatred for me and need to control and destroy my life be the reason that my boy ends up in care! I love my son endlessly and will not allow it! He does not love his son or care about his well-being.
Since our breakup I was the one who encouraged and suggested in court every weekend contact for Olly with his father. This custody battle is not because he loves his son. Why would he not have been happy to give Olly a steady normal life with this mum and his dad in it!
Why does he want to take him from me when I’ve done nothing but adhere to his demands even when I did not feel they were in Olly’s best interests. What have I done, other than leave an abusive relationship and still allow him extensive contact with Olly?
My son clings to me sobbing and shouting that he doesn’t want to go to daddie’s. He comes home and clings to my side not allowing me to leave the room without him! Why is my son’s voice not being heard by the court? The court system is so wrapped up and concerned with “Father’s Rights” that they overlook the children’s happiness and well being. There is something wrong with the environment there for Olly not to want to go so badly!
I begged Social Services to investigate the situation with this dad when Olly was telling me he was being hit there. This was the one and only time I broke the court order, Olly was distraught and hysterical but the court, police and father didn’t care and demanded my son went back to visits with him, threatening me with prison if I didn’t force him to go!
My son deserves happiness and watching him be dragged away from me every week is disgusting and is the only thing on my end that is causing Olly emotional harm!
I had to bring my son home 3 days early from a family holiday to Florida at Patrick’s insistence and the courts disgusting decision. It cost my mum hundreds for new flights and missed days, What father that loves his child would want their child to miss family holidays!
Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done until now. It was terrifying and I only done it because of Olly! I want to protect him from having to recover from his childhood.
I used to be intensely scared of going to bed every night, to the point where I would purposely go to bed at 6/7 pm at night in the slight hope that he would feel remotely guilty about forcing me awake for sex! I think I got roughly 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night if I was lucky, my body and mind felt constantly exhausted from being in a permanent state of tension. I would clinch and go rigid when I heard him coming up the stairs as I would pretend to be asleep. If I refused or protested too much, the level of hostility the next day would cause me to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. This sort of behavior intensified and became an every night occurrence around September/October 2015 after I’d had Olly.
I was pressured into sex only 3 weeks after Olly was born and he only waited that long because of the bleeding. It was extremely painful due to the birth I had, he didn’t care or react other than forcefully to my obvious pain or objections. I had to go straight to my doctors and ask for the Morning After Pill as he had refused to use any contraception as he didn’t like it. I couldn’t refuse as he liked to point out I was financially controlled by him and he could get me out of the house whenever he wanted to and he “knew people.”
I was embarrassed about my situation and scared that if I told the truth about his behavior that they would alert social services as I was a young first time mother...turns out I was right that no one could help me!
I told my GP Dr. Murphy at Hassengate doctors that a condom had split!... not long after I went to the doctors and was prescribed 20mg Citalopram for what I described as severe anxiety caused by my relationship. I don’t remember giving too many details as again I didn’t want Social Services alerted.
I intentionally hid my prescription from him for months until he searched my bag and goggled the name of them. He began to publically refer to me as a crazy and my 100 mg pills and mock me to my family and friends. He would constantly refer to me as “mental” and “weak.”
I was too embarrassed to ask for help and ashamed and worried that because I had tried to leave before and had to come back because of his threats that nobody would believe or even be willing to help me.
Everyone seemed to not like him and his behavior but no one seemed to confront him or help me. I don’t resent anyone or want them to feel bad as it was my fault for not asking for help or telling anyone the extent of the problem. I know this and blame only myself.
The controlling nature became worse to the point where I wasn’t allowed to move or even choose items of furniture etc...The worst part of the relationship was when I would care for his other children while they were supposed to be in his care, he would intentionally demean me and encourage them to ignore me as any sort of authority and taught them to disrespect me. I loved those children as if they were my own and I stayed in the relationship as long as I did because I loved and cared for them so much. When he spitefully holds me after I’d left, he told them I didn’t want to see them anymore, he broke me more than anything he’d ever done before. It destroyed me!
I watched how he treated their mother, even though he wanted her to move on and be decent to him he still refused to be decent to her.
He stalked her emails, blanked her messages when he had her children (to the point where I would feel so guilty I would secretly message her via Facebook to let her know they were ok), he refused to allow her to have his contact number, she wasn’t allowed near the house, etc...He thrived on the fact he made her suffer, he audio recorded their court mediation and hearings so he could hear her cry again. He would laugh at these! He allowed her to move on by moving away as he had ended that relationship. He wanted her away so he could move on with myself.
I was a naive little girl at 18 and he was 37! I feel awful for how he treated her and leaving her pregnant. Maybe how I’ve been treated is Karma...He allowed her to move on by moving away as he controlled that decision and situation. If the court had listened and realized why I wanted to move away and how I would have still abided by the order I wouldn’t have been forced to protect my son in this way!
I am not allowed to be in our son’s life as Patrick did not make the decision to remove me from his life. It’s shocking and my son is now a child of the court thanks to his manipulation.
I have endured harassment, stalking, being chased in my car, having my personal emails and social media privacy invaded and have had no help from the police! Patrick is a psychopath and he will not be satisfied or stop until he has completely removed me from Olly’s life, either by manipulation of the court as he has done or I truly believe he is capable of killing me. I love Olly more than anything and will never allow anyone to harm him in any way!
I’m sorry for leaving but I am truly so beyond scared for my life and I will not allow him to destroy Olly’s life by taking mine. I love you, Maddie and Billy and really hope one day you’ll be able to be with us again. I truly believe this won’t be able to happen until he is proven to be what he is and the awful court system has been changed to protect my son and people like from him.
Please ask the police to make sure you are all safe from him and his family, he has no boundaries and I’m scared he’ll try to hurt you’s.
We love you’s and I’ll find a way to let you know that we are safe and happy.
Sorry, I love you!
Please let Mandy and Ellie at Changing Pathways know I am ok and that I appreciate all the help they gave me. They are the only ones who believed me and will worry about me and Olly. xxx
Cindy Dumas, M.A. has been researching, writing, and raising awareness about the Custody Crisis since 2003, when she was unable to protect her children from their abusive father. She fled into hiding when Family Court failed her and was tricked into returning home, when her children were given to their abusive father.